Found Out

My "secret" was revealed today... not to the world, but to enough people to make a difference.
I think it's strange that people feel free after someone finds something out about them. How this can be freeing in anyway I will never understand but I guess it's all just a matter of opinion.
Unfortunately my "secret" (the reason for the inverted commas is because it is not as such a secret, more an obvious but unspoken truth) is quite an issue and seems to have a pretty big effect on others around me - at least that's the excuse they use to get involved.  To be perfectly honest, I feel pretty violated at the moment. It's like someone picked up my diary and read it out loud; mocking and making jokes out of what is actually supposed to be my life. I wouldn't really be surprised if they did read my diary, today I've lost any faith I previously had in people and their supposed morals.
I personally think I've stayed pretty calm about it. Granted, I've let slip the odd sarcastic or cutting comment but I know that it is all my fault and other people can't really be to blame seeing as I've caused myself this problem.
Up until now, it has slowly been expanding into such a problem that I don't even want to try and fix it anymore. When I look at myself, and actually look, I can't see the person I thought I was before. I used to not let anything get in the way or stop me from doing things, but this is doing just that. Determination was a characteristic I prided myself on having in abundance but now, I'm not so sure. I feel beaten; like I'm punched, bruised and lying, gasping for breath on the floor. Having something get on top of you in such a way is overwhelming and it makes me so angry at myself for having let it get this far. The fact that it's getting to the stage where it's hurting the people I love the most makes me wonder what on earth I have done to myself.
The thing is, is that I am so horrendously stubborn that I won't let them help me and all them finding out has done is make me hate myself for being so stupidly obvious. If I do eventually get out of this rut then I plan on it being on my terms and I am the one who should have to suffer the pain of getting out, not them.
I know this is quite a classic sign of someone in the same position as me; refusing help and spiraling down into this abyss of self-loathing (I feel at this point I must point out I am neither suicidal or clinically depressed and, while reading back, what I have written blows the problem up somewhat. It's just that, to me, it is very important). I know that I should nip the problem in the bud before it becomes a full blown addiction (and I'm not talking drugs or drink) but the insane part of my brain is convincing me that whatever pride I have left will be lost if I "give in" and don't do it alone.
The mind is such a powerful thing. Whether we like it or not, the mind rules the body and I know that, in my case, almost everything is in my head. That is, all the problems are. The bad thing is that what is going on in my head is having a detrimental effect on my body and that's when you just wish you could switch of all the lights inside your mind and let your body lead you, just for once.
I haven't quite got my mind under control yet. I don't mean that, when I do, I'll be able to walk over hot coals or suddenly get some jedi mind powers (which would be way better than any superhero powers), but I'll be a hell of a lot more cheery than I am currently. I'm trying to lasso my mind and tame it like a wild animal but I feel like my lasso is made out of air and my mind is far too powerful to be controlled.
I think we all convince ourselves that, once something changes (be it our jobs, our weight or our bra-sizes), every little bit of your life will miraculously get better. This time, I'm not kidding myself, I know that there's not one magic answer to everything but I'm starting to realise how I don't need magic. I need determination and strength of mind.
I know what I have to do. For me and for everyone else. I also know how hard it will be but I think I'm ready to have one last shot and finally, once and for all, win against all my demons. Put it this way, it's going to be a battle and a half...