Treading Water

I'm done.

That's pretty much it... I wanted to write about what was going on in my mind; my general musings and whatnot and, right now, that is all that is on my mind. 

I'm done with everything. 

I'm done with working, done with where I live, done with the people I know and done with the utter crap this life seems to be offering me.

I want a change. I need a change. And I'm not talking just a change of scene for a couple of weeks but a complete life overhaul. A move to the other side of the planet, full of people I don't know, places I've never been - places I can get lost in.

That's the problem with this cit,  I find. I can't get lost in it. Believe me, I have tried. I can see the water from my bedroom window and it only takes about an hour to walk to. I walked around for three hours trying to get lost and I just couldn't. When you recognise everything you see, you know you've got to get out. What's funny is that my sense of direction is utterly crap but this city wouldn't lose me, not for a moment.

I want different people; different cultures who I can learn from and who see things a totally different way from the way they're seen here. Here, every tiny petty thing is blown completely out of proporiton. I do it myself sometimes but it seems to be the culture here that there has to be a drama going on at all times. I am one of the only people I know that doesn't thrive off drama - it's irritating and has become something that has made me realise how I don't really belong here anymore. 

What's worse is the fact that, because everything petty is so focused on, people lose sight of what really is important. I don't think that people in other countries, say Africa or India, have the same idea about what's important and what many people go through there should really put our own lives in perspective, but it doesn't. Why is that? Is it because people are too self-obsessed here? Possibly. I frequently find myself thinking of myself rather than the greater good but I think it's more because we are in our own little bubble here. Our bubble of happiness, safety and security that isn't present in many other places. It is in these other places that people actually have to survive, something I think we've forgotten how to do here simply because everything is handed to us on a platter (whether it is silver or not is another issue).

I feel like I have been in a sort of limbo for quite a while now... 7 or 8 months to be precise actually. It's just like I'm treading water in the baby pool and waiting to get my turn in the adult pool. I'm getting tired of treading water all the time; it's really boring and it doesn't actually have much of a point to be perfectly honest. That's the feeling I'm getting right now and I am so ready to just move on and get out in the big bad world. I don't even mind that it is a bad world, it's at least much more interesting than the one I'm floating about in at the moment. I want to really live and the worst thing is is that I feel that I'm waiting for my real life to begin. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world because it makes everything you do feel like a waste - you've only got one chance and, right now, I'm not taking it. Not exactly the most cheerful of thoughts.

I'll get out though. That's the thing, less than a year and I will be out of here - riding away on my magic carpet to some bright, new colourful land. I'll get out of this perpetual smog and the world will be a kaleidoscope of colour and excitement. Yeah, maybe I'm kidding myself with that image there.. but I will get out. Believe me.

Found Out

My "secret" was revealed today... not to the world, but to enough people to make a difference.
I think it's strange that people feel free after someone finds something out about them. How this can be freeing in anyway I will never understand but I guess it's all just a matter of opinion.
Unfortunately my "secret" (the reason for the inverted commas is because it is not as such a secret, more an obvious but unspoken truth) is quite an issue and seems to have a pretty big effect on others around me - at least that's the excuse they use to get involved.  To be perfectly honest, I feel pretty violated at the moment. It's like someone picked up my diary and read it out loud; mocking and making jokes out of what is actually supposed to be my life. I wouldn't really be surprised if they did read my diary, today I've lost any faith I previously had in people and their supposed morals.
I personally think I've stayed pretty calm about it. Granted, I've let slip the odd sarcastic or cutting comment but I know that it is all my fault and other people can't really be to blame seeing as I've caused myself this problem.
Up until now, it has slowly been expanding into such a problem that I don't even want to try and fix it anymore. When I look at myself, and actually look, I can't see the person I thought I was before. I used to not let anything get in the way or stop me from doing things, but this is doing just that. Determination was a characteristic I prided myself on having in abundance but now, I'm not so sure. I feel beaten; like I'm punched, bruised and lying, gasping for breath on the floor. Having something get on top of you in such a way is overwhelming and it makes me so angry at myself for having let it get this far. The fact that it's getting to the stage where it's hurting the people I love the most makes me wonder what on earth I have done to myself.
The thing is, is that I am so horrendously stubborn that I won't let them help me and all them finding out has done is make me hate myself for being so stupidly obvious. If I do eventually get out of this rut then I plan on it being on my terms and I am the one who should have to suffer the pain of getting out, not them.
I know this is quite a classic sign of someone in the same position as me; refusing help and spiraling down into this abyss of self-loathing (I feel at this point I must point out I am neither suicidal or clinically depressed and, while reading back, what I have written blows the problem up somewhat. It's just that, to me, it is very important). I know that I should nip the problem in the bud before it becomes a full blown addiction (and I'm not talking drugs or drink) but the insane part of my brain is convincing me that whatever pride I have left will be lost if I "give in" and don't do it alone.
The mind is such a powerful thing. Whether we like it or not, the mind rules the body and I know that, in my case, almost everything is in my head. That is, all the problems are. The bad thing is that what is going on in my head is having a detrimental effect on my body and that's when you just wish you could switch of all the lights inside your mind and let your body lead you, just for once.
I haven't quite got my mind under control yet. I don't mean that, when I do, I'll be able to walk over hot coals or suddenly get some jedi mind powers (which would be way better than any superhero powers), but I'll be a hell of a lot more cheery than I am currently. I'm trying to lasso my mind and tame it like a wild animal but I feel like my lasso is made out of air and my mind is far too powerful to be controlled.
I think we all convince ourselves that, once something changes (be it our jobs, our weight or our bra-sizes), every little bit of your life will miraculously get better. This time, I'm not kidding myself, I know that there's not one magic answer to everything but I'm starting to realise how I don't need magic. I need determination and strength of mind.
I know what I have to do. For me and for everyone else. I also know how hard it will be but I think I'm ready to have one last shot and finally, once and for all, win against all my demons. Put it this way, it's going to be a battle and a half...