Love Hurts

All love hurts.

Even if it is returned and endless there will always be pain involved. As humans we get so emotionally attached to people and, often, no physical pain can surpass emotional pain caused by a loved one.

This kind of shared love is not the theme of this entry however: I am talking about unrequited love.

Do you know what it is like to be in love with someone who does not love you back? Maybe you do. If not, let me tell you that it is the worst thing in the world and yet, at the same time, it is wonderful... just to feel pure, genuine love for someone.

This is my dilemma: I am in love with a guy who will never love me back.

I can't really think when the seeds of my love were planted, if you will, but the defining moment was about a year and half ago... just after the end of my exam leave and my friends and I had just had a summer barbeque in the gardens near my house. After most people had left, he - he will, of course, remain nameless in this blog - had come down to walk his dog. As we all do in those situations, I became completely tongue-tied when he spoke to me - uttering something incomprehensible about his dog and "his" grass - whatever it was, it physically pains me to think of it and I have successfully blocked the memory for the past year and a half.

Anyway, it was probably after that fateful encounter that I really began to fall in love with him and I told my best friend shortly after he left. I never have been one for telling people the object of my desire - it reminds me all too much of school playground games about who you "fancied" - but in this case I needed someone to know.

So that is where it all began and since then I have been living in a hell hole knowing the guy I love is way too good for me and there is no chance he will ever go for me. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have known him since I was about 7 and so any feelings he had would have been more sisterly than anything else.

It has got to a stage where seeing him is so painful that I don't think I can do it anymore. I ruin any other kind of relationship because I am holding onto the hope that he will suddenly realise his mistake, sweep me up and ride me away on his black horse (white horses are just too cliché). I'm not the kind of girl that cries over things like this - if I cry it's probably about a film or a song rather than anything truly meaningful - but the fact that he has reduced me to tears shows how far this has gone.

However, through all the pain, I know that I am lucky to feel this kind of love for someone. Yes, I know it's not returned but don't pity me. Loving him makes me happy (pathetic as it sounds) and I don't know where I would be if I suddenly lost him. Amongst all the other hectic things in my life, he is a constant and just exchanging pleasantries with him on the street can brighten up my day. I know it sounds completely ridiculous that someone could be content with loving someone who was completely oblivious but I think, if he did know, it would ruin the perfect picture I have created in my mind.

Maybe it is better this way. I mean, for example, if he ever did return my love then he would be able to shatter my life and cause even more pain. He may not turn out as perfect as I have made him out to be in my mind and then where would that leave me? I would have wasted over a year of my life being in love with someone who, as it turned out, wasn't very nice.

I know it is difficult to understand but, despite the pain, I don't know whether I would have it any other way.
The reason for writing this entry though is not to get pity from people about my pathetic love life, it is really to say that love hurts. Love is possibly the most painful thing we humans do and yet it is also the most beautiful thing. However, love is also never ending - once someone has gained that place in your heart they never really leave it. Whether you are in love twenty times in your life or just the once, each person you have loved will always keep a little of your heart aside for themselves.
And yes, I do hope that one day I will find someone who is so much better for me in the future but, at the moment, I am just happy to have loved. For it is always better to have loved and lost (or never had that love returned) than to have never loved at all.

Treading Water

I'm done.

That's pretty much it... I wanted to write about what was going on in my mind; my general musings and whatnot and, right now, that is all that is on my mind. 

I'm done with everything. 

I'm done with working, done with where I live, done with the people I know and done with the utter crap this life seems to be offering me.

I want a change. I need a change. And I'm not talking just a change of scene for a couple of weeks but a complete life overhaul. A move to the other side of the planet, full of people I don't know, places I've never been - places I can get lost in.

That's the problem with this cit,  I find. I can't get lost in it. Believe me, I have tried. I can see the water from my bedroom window and it only takes about an hour to walk to. I walked around for three hours trying to get lost and I just couldn't. When you recognise everything you see, you know you've got to get out. What's funny is that my sense of direction is utterly crap but this city wouldn't lose me, not for a moment.

I want different people; different cultures who I can learn from and who see things a totally different way from the way they're seen here. Here, every tiny petty thing is blown completely out of proporiton. I do it myself sometimes but it seems to be the culture here that there has to be a drama going on at all times. I am one of the only people I know that doesn't thrive off drama - it's irritating and has become something that has made me realise how I don't really belong here anymore. 

What's worse is the fact that, because everything petty is so focused on, people lose sight of what really is important. I don't think that people in other countries, say Africa or India, have the same idea about what's important and what many people go through there should really put our own lives in perspective, but it doesn't. Why is that? Is it because people are too self-obsessed here? Possibly. I frequently find myself thinking of myself rather than the greater good but I think it's more because we are in our own little bubble here. Our bubble of happiness, safety and security that isn't present in many other places. It is in these other places that people actually have to survive, something I think we've forgotten how to do here simply because everything is handed to us on a platter (whether it is silver or not is another issue).

I feel like I have been in a sort of limbo for quite a while now... 7 or 8 months to be precise actually. It's just like I'm treading water in the baby pool and waiting to get my turn in the adult pool. I'm getting tired of treading water all the time; it's really boring and it doesn't actually have much of a point to be perfectly honest. That's the feeling I'm getting right now and I am so ready to just move on and get out in the big bad world. I don't even mind that it is a bad world, it's at least much more interesting than the one I'm floating about in at the moment. I want to really live and the worst thing is is that I feel that I'm waiting for my real life to begin. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world because it makes everything you do feel like a waste - you've only got one chance and, right now, I'm not taking it. Not exactly the most cheerful of thoughts.

I'll get out though. That's the thing, less than a year and I will be out of here - riding away on my magic carpet to some bright, new colourful land. I'll get out of this perpetual smog and the world will be a kaleidoscope of colour and excitement. Yeah, maybe I'm kidding myself with that image there.. but I will get out. Believe me.

Found Out

My "secret" was revealed today... not to the world, but to enough people to make a difference.
I think it's strange that people feel free after someone finds something out about them. How this can be freeing in anyway I will never understand but I guess it's all just a matter of opinion.
Unfortunately my "secret" (the reason for the inverted commas is because it is not as such a secret, more an obvious but unspoken truth) is quite an issue and seems to have a pretty big effect on others around me - at least that's the excuse they use to get involved.  To be perfectly honest, I feel pretty violated at the moment. It's like someone picked up my diary and read it out loud; mocking and making jokes out of what is actually supposed to be my life. I wouldn't really be surprised if they did read my diary, today I've lost any faith I previously had in people and their supposed morals.
I personally think I've stayed pretty calm about it. Granted, I've let slip the odd sarcastic or cutting comment but I know that it is all my fault and other people can't really be to blame seeing as I've caused myself this problem.
Up until now, it has slowly been expanding into such a problem that I don't even want to try and fix it anymore. When I look at myself, and actually look, I can't see the person I thought I was before. I used to not let anything get in the way or stop me from doing things, but this is doing just that. Determination was a characteristic I prided myself on having in abundance but now, I'm not so sure. I feel beaten; like I'm punched, bruised and lying, gasping for breath on the floor. Having something get on top of you in such a way is overwhelming and it makes me so angry at myself for having let it get this far. The fact that it's getting to the stage where it's hurting the people I love the most makes me wonder what on earth I have done to myself.
The thing is, is that I am so horrendously stubborn that I won't let them help me and all them finding out has done is make me hate myself for being so stupidly obvious. If I do eventually get out of this rut then I plan on it being on my terms and I am the one who should have to suffer the pain of getting out, not them.
I know this is quite a classic sign of someone in the same position as me; refusing help and spiraling down into this abyss of self-loathing (I feel at this point I must point out I am neither suicidal or clinically depressed and, while reading back, what I have written blows the problem up somewhat. It's just that, to me, it is very important). I know that I should nip the problem in the bud before it becomes a full blown addiction (and I'm not talking drugs or drink) but the insane part of my brain is convincing me that whatever pride I have left will be lost if I "give in" and don't do it alone.
The mind is such a powerful thing. Whether we like it or not, the mind rules the body and I know that, in my case, almost everything is in my head. That is, all the problems are. The bad thing is that what is going on in my head is having a detrimental effect on my body and that's when you just wish you could switch of all the lights inside your mind and let your body lead you, just for once.
I haven't quite got my mind under control yet. I don't mean that, when I do, I'll be able to walk over hot coals or suddenly get some jedi mind powers (which would be way better than any superhero powers), but I'll be a hell of a lot more cheery than I am currently. I'm trying to lasso my mind and tame it like a wild animal but I feel like my lasso is made out of air and my mind is far too powerful to be controlled.
I think we all convince ourselves that, once something changes (be it our jobs, our weight or our bra-sizes), every little bit of your life will miraculously get better. This time, I'm not kidding myself, I know that there's not one magic answer to everything but I'm starting to realise how I don't need magic. I need determination and strength of mind.
I know what I have to do. For me and for everyone else. I also know how hard it will be but I think I'm ready to have one last shot and finally, once and for all, win against all my demons. Put it this way, it's going to be a battle and a half...

If music be the food of love...

Isn't it funny how something as simple as music can affect so many people's lives?
Personally, I don't think I could manage without it. Silence is louder than any other sound and I think that, if I could, I would eat, live, breathe music.  Music can be used in every situation, without exception, to say something that mere words cannot and that is the beauty of it.
Music can be completely personal if you want it to be. You don't have to share it with anyone. They have no right to judge you on what you are listening to, although they may want to, because it is what appeals to you. For instance, while most of my friends will be listening to whatever the music industry is currently churning out on the Top 40 (for the simple reason of making money and filling people's brain with irritatingly catchy songs), they probably couldn't imagine that I am listening to 'Together Again' by Dave Koz (who I have just discovered on Spotify) (which is purely instrumental and has an incredibly beautiful saxophone part).  It saddens me to think that they may not appreciate this kind of music because, as one of my friends asked incredulously when listening to 'Intro' by The XX (one of my all time favourites), "Where's the music?" By this, she of course meant the lyrics but it was quite shocking to find that, these days, many people think that music can only be counted as a proper song or piece if it has a vocal part. Disheartening news for instrumentalists to say the least. 
Now I am in no way trying to say that, in terms of music, these people are stupid or are unable to appreciate the good stuff. I am merely saying that it is a shame that less well known artists are not able to expose their music as so many people concentrate purely on the charts and are not interested in what could be seen as 'out there'. (Just to note, 'Spanish Sahara' by Foals has just come on and has, as always, transported me into a state of fuzzy happiness) I am also not saying that what is in the charts is not proper music (although some of it does make me turn off the radio and choose to sit in deafening silence instead) and it pleases me no end when the like of Mumford & Sons and Florence + The Machine work their way up to the Top 10. All I would want is for people to become more open to new music and to not be ashamed of listening to songs that they secretly like but that make others go "What the f**k is that?!" 
I have found some of the most beautiful music just by searching around Genius on iTunes, clicking through unsigned bands of MySpace (which thankfully allows you to buy the music as waiting for it to gain recognition and come out on iTunes had previously proved a bit too much for me) or just talking to friends who know the kind of music I like, or in their opinion I should listen to. 
I have one friend in particular who literally does eat, breathe, live music and you will never see him without a pair of headphones around his neck.  From him I have been given over 1000 songs, most of them from bands like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Weezer, Joy Division and The Smiths. However, from his CDs I have also discovered Phosphorescent, Spiritualized and Doves and he is intent on nurturing people's musical growth one song at a time. People like him are unique and do not come around often so, if you find such a person, hang on to them: they'll teach you more than you ever learned at school.
The reason of writing this was not to have a whine about the music industry but to encourage people to broaden their horizons when, for example, listening to the radio in the car on the way to work - instead of putting on Smash Hits radio station, try and diversify your selection and find a local station which promotes local acts. If not then some of the bigger radio stations, such as Radio One, have shows where they play what is up and coming or what they have big hopes for.  Then, if you find something you like, spread the word and from then the only way is up.
The most beautiful thing about having millions of songs in the world is that we will never be able to listen to them all and so discovery continues.


Band of the day: Treelines (search them on MySpace - they're described as a love child of the Weakerthans and Gaslight Anthem, raised by Joel Plaskett.)


Just listen.