Since I was about 13 years old - when I finally realised I would be an awful actress and I should probably have a proper job in mind - I wanted to be a lawyer. I have this incredible life plan - finish my degree here at university, go travelling for a year (been saving for a month and already have £600 - which is impressive for a student but less impressive when you think that it's actually from what's left of my summer job money and I just took £50 out of it to pay for food), do a postgraduate degree/conversion course in America, get an incredible job at some fancy law firm in New York, find Prince Charming and have the most amazing life.
So that's the plan. Or, at least, that's one plan.
I've realised I actually have another option and this option is becoming more and more attractive as each day passes.
Yes, I could have this amazing life and spend my time here on Earth craving the next material thing and revolving my life around climbing the social and professional ladders. With a lot of hard work I know I could get there, I genuinely believe I have the capacity to do that. But then there's this other option..
Since I was a little girl, I loved being outdoors more than anything. I love nature - I used to go to my mum's allotment and find ladybirds and snails, I helped out at the City Farm for five years because I loved it, I helped at a stables for years because I just wanted to be around the animals - I actually cry when I see a beautiful picture of beautiful nature halfway across the world. I love how many places there are in the world that are so breathtakingly beautiful I could look at pictures of them (and dream about going to them) for days. So this is the other option - give up all the material stuff and live a simple life, in a beautiful place which I think would make me so much more happy than anything I could buy with thousands of pounds.
I could go and work at the elephant nursery in Kenya, I could work as a photographer and travel the world searching for beautiful sights (obviously a little less probable, seeing as I have no photography training whatsoever etc etc), I could live in a tree and my currency would be coconuts! Whatever I would do, I would be happy and I'm just getting less and less sure that this whole... conventional life thing.. is for me.
And I know this sounds ridiculous - seriously, I can't believe I'm thinking about posting this entry when it sounds like the ramblings of some deranged dreamer (.... yeah... I know...) but sometimes I just ache for the beauty of the outdoors. And I know I could just walk outside, turn off my phone and find somewhere beautiful.. but it's not enough anymore. I just want out of here, to have a simple life that doesn't revolve around money or what car I drive or what dress I wear to the next big event.
I'll probably end up following Plan A. And I'm sure this will make me happy too.. but I'm scared of regretting a decision to just up and go, to get out of here and really live, and stop sitting around and waiting for my life to begin.
I just want to live and experience and explore. "The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page". Just for once in my life, I wish I could disregard the consequences and go and do what I want.
I wish I was strong enough to do what it takes to make myself truly happy. But I'm not sure that I do.
Sunday 19 February 2012
Spring cleaning
I hate being wrong.
That is putting it mildly.
I think it's because my dad was always right when I was young. I mean, he was always right. I vividly remember when we were arguing once and halfway through I realised that, yet again, I was wrong but instead of being mature and stepping back and apologising, I continued to argue until I had backed myself into such a tight corner that I'm pretty sure I just ran upstairs and cried with frustration.
But generally, apart from with my dad, I'm rarely wrong. I've been majorly wrong on three occasions. First, a girl in my year at school who I couldn't stand for years (and I was very vocal about this). It turns out that she is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I go out of my way now when I see her to check how she is and if she's over her douchebag of an ex-boyfriend (incidentally a friend of mine who I know realise is a little bit of a pretentious prat).
Secondly, a boy who I only knew for a couple of days when a friend and I were on a week-long surfing trip (in Scotland... nothing prepares you for how cold the water is where I live). Whilst I'm usually the one instantly pointing out the bad in people, when my friend said this boy was an imbecile I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought she was just being too harsh. She was right, he was moronic. She still brings it up even now...
Thirdly, and most painfully, I was wrong about someone who I thought was one of my closest friends. He was actually the guy I posted about in my music post.. the one I said was one of those people you should never let go of. I think the fact I was pretty infatuated by him blinded the fact he was the most pretentious, condescending person I have ever met. I always wondered why he never had many friends at school, but I just made him into a strange and intriguing loner who was simply misunderstood. I poured so much of myself into him and our friendship, and it made me so unhappy - I've only just realised in these last few months how crushingly unhappy I was. He squeezed every last drop of kindness I had and then discarded me. And maybe I'm being too harsh, maybe it's just because I'm still so hurt by it that I can't think of him with anything but strong dislike, but he was cruel, and heartless and he didn't even care. That's what I said to him at the end of the rant that ended our friendship... "and what's worst is that you don't even care".
He's currently trying to rebuild a friendship with me. But I will never, ever let myself be hurt like that again. I am a strong, independent person and I will not be reduced to that level of sadness and depression like before. I will not be used for all I am worth, then discarded, then used again to make him feel better, and finally discarded again when he found a group of mindless followers at university. I hope they enjoy how amazing he makes them feel for as long as they can, because when the time comes and he doesn't feel he needs them anymore, he will do the exact same as what he did to me.
But this is not, even though it definitely seems to be, a post of hatred. Yes, he hurt me but I am a much stronger person for it and I'm not sad anymore. It is so important to get rid of those in your life that bring you down. If you have one of them, don't bother anymore. If they give nothing to your friendship and just take it all then they're not worth it, there are people out there in the world who are caring and kind and funny and who will give as much as they get. And you deserve that, we all do. So have a spring clean of your life and get rid of those who don't make you happy, give the world a chance and see what comes your way.
I want to say I'll never be wrong again, but I probably will be. I just hope this time it's not as painful as the last.
That is putting it mildly.
I think it's because my dad was always right when I was young. I mean, he was always right. I vividly remember when we were arguing once and halfway through I realised that, yet again, I was wrong but instead of being mature and stepping back and apologising, I continued to argue until I had backed myself into such a tight corner that I'm pretty sure I just ran upstairs and cried with frustration.
But generally, apart from with my dad, I'm rarely wrong. I've been majorly wrong on three occasions. First, a girl in my year at school who I couldn't stand for years (and I was very vocal about this). It turns out that she is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I go out of my way now when I see her to check how she is and if she's over her douchebag of an ex-boyfriend (incidentally a friend of mine who I know realise is a little bit of a pretentious prat).
Secondly, a boy who I only knew for a couple of days when a friend and I were on a week-long surfing trip (in Scotland... nothing prepares you for how cold the water is where I live). Whilst I'm usually the one instantly pointing out the bad in people, when my friend said this boy was an imbecile I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought she was just being too harsh. She was right, he was moronic. She still brings it up even now...
Thirdly, and most painfully, I was wrong about someone who I thought was one of my closest friends. He was actually the guy I posted about in my music post.. the one I said was one of those people you should never let go of. I think the fact I was pretty infatuated by him blinded the fact he was the most pretentious, condescending person I have ever met. I always wondered why he never had many friends at school, but I just made him into a strange and intriguing loner who was simply misunderstood. I poured so much of myself into him and our friendship, and it made me so unhappy - I've only just realised in these last few months how crushingly unhappy I was. He squeezed every last drop of kindness I had and then discarded me. And maybe I'm being too harsh, maybe it's just because I'm still so hurt by it that I can't think of him with anything but strong dislike, but he was cruel, and heartless and he didn't even care. That's what I said to him at the end of the rant that ended our friendship... "and what's worst is that you don't even care".
He's currently trying to rebuild a friendship with me. But I will never, ever let myself be hurt like that again. I am a strong, independent person and I will not be reduced to that level of sadness and depression like before. I will not be used for all I am worth, then discarded, then used again to make him feel better, and finally discarded again when he found a group of mindless followers at university. I hope they enjoy how amazing he makes them feel for as long as they can, because when the time comes and he doesn't feel he needs them anymore, he will do the exact same as what he did to me.
But this is not, even though it definitely seems to be, a post of hatred. Yes, he hurt me but I am a much stronger person for it and I'm not sad anymore. It is so important to get rid of those in your life that bring you down. If you have one of them, don't bother anymore. If they give nothing to your friendship and just take it all then they're not worth it, there are people out there in the world who are caring and kind and funny and who will give as much as they get. And you deserve that, we all do. So have a spring clean of your life and get rid of those who don't make you happy, give the world a chance and see what comes your way.
I want to say I'll never be wrong again, but I probably will be. I just hope this time it's not as painful as the last.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)