"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page"

Since I was about 13 years old - when I finally realised I would be an awful actress and I should probably have a proper job in mind - I wanted to be a lawyer. I have this incredible life plan - finish my degree here at university, go travelling for a year (been saving for a month and already have £600 - which is impressive for a student but less impressive when you think that it's actually from what's left of my summer job money and I just took £50 out of it to pay for food), do a postgraduate degree/conversion course in America, get an incredible job at some fancy law firm in New York, find Prince Charming and have the most amazing life.

So that's the plan. Or, at least, that's one plan.

I've realised I actually have another option and this option is becoming more and more attractive as each day passes.

Yes, I could have this amazing life and spend my time here on Earth craving the next material thing and revolving my life around climbing the social and professional ladders. With a lot of hard work I know I could get there, I genuinely believe I have the capacity to do that. But then there's this other option..

Since I was a little girl, I loved being outdoors more than anything. I love nature - I used to go to my mum's allotment and find ladybirds and snails, I helped out at the City Farm for five years because I loved it, I helped at a stables for years because I just wanted to be around the animals - I actually cry when I see a beautiful picture of beautiful nature halfway across the world. I love how many places there are in the world that are so breathtakingly beautiful I could look at pictures of them (and dream about going to them) for days. So this is the other option - give up all the material stuff and live a simple life, in a beautiful place which I think would make me so much more happy than anything I could buy with thousands of pounds.

I could go and work at the elephant nursery in Kenya, I could work as a photographer and travel the world searching for beautiful sights (obviously a little less probable, seeing as I have no photography training whatsoever etc etc), I could live in a tree and my currency would be coconuts! Whatever I would do, I would be happy and I'm just getting less and less sure that this whole... conventional life thing.. is for me.

And I know this sounds ridiculous - seriously, I can't believe I'm thinking about posting this entry when it sounds like the ramblings of some deranged dreamer (.... yeah... I know...) but sometimes I just ache for the beauty of the outdoors. And I know I could just walk outside, turn off my phone and find somewhere beautiful.. but it's not enough anymore. I just want out of here, to have a simple life that doesn't revolve around money or what car I drive or what dress I wear to the next big event.

I'll probably end up following Plan A. And I'm sure this will make me happy too.. but I'm scared of regretting a decision to just up and go, to get out of here and really live, and stop sitting around and waiting for my life to begin.

I just want to live and experience and explore. "The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page". Just for once in my life, I wish I could disregard the consequences and go and do what I want.

I wish I was strong enough to do what it takes to make myself truly happy. But I'm not sure that I do.