Sometimes I wish I could run away. I don't know whether I'm running from something or to something else. Again it's like I'm stuck in limbo - I was in this place less than a year ago and I can't believe I'm back here again.
It's the feeling of just not wanting to stick around here anymore and it's continuous - it's there when I wake up in the morning and stays at the back of my mind all day long. It's sickening; it physically makes me feel ill. It's overwhelming at times - it's like I'm riding a wave when suddenly, without warning, it engulfs me. It's scary too; feeling this much resentment for the place I live and the people here. I go back to the eternal phrase that has peppered my blog - "I'm done".
I don't really know what to do at this point. Right now it just feels like everything is going wrong, like I can't do anything right. Unlike last year, it now feels as though it's all outwith my control and in the hands of others. I hate when I can't control things - my future, what happens in my everyday life - and it makes me vulnerable. I've always had the attitude that if I work hard enough and control what I do then I can do anything (except the impossible of course. Yes, people say that nothing is impossible but I don't see them sprouting wings and flying) but as soon as I lose power to someone or something else, they can hurt me. I hate being vulnerable. I honestly think it is my biggest fear (minus sharks) which is just pathetic. Don't worry, I can just imagine the shrink's couch I'll be lounging on a couple of years from now.
I want to go to beautiful places, chase the sun and everything else that is beautiful. I know that sounds ridiculous but capturing the spots of sunlight in photographs makes them go from beautiful to remarkable. Mountains of snow, hills of sand, oceans of blue, green, purple and black - I want to go and see everything the natural world has to offer. Eastern culture, bright colours, different religions, crazy driving, different languages - there is so much out there that I have no way of discovering while I'm still here and I would honestly work for the rest of my life as a photographer. That would be the best job in the world.
Writing all this down really helps sort out the knotted mess that is my mind at the moment and helps take away all the pent-up anger and frustration that's just built over time. I don't know why it is so therapeutic but I don't know of anything else that has the same effect. I write in my diary almost every day and I think it is my way of sharing my secrets with something that won't be able to tell them to anyone else. The way I fear vulnerability has meant that I rarely confide important things in people, preferring to hear secrets rather than to tell them (I can trust myself to keep them but I can't trust others) - but I think my diary is the perfect substitute.
This isn't a post about my vulnerability - or fear of - however. There may be a blog about that in the future but this is really just to prompt thoughts of the beauty in the world. There is so much out there and I plan on seeing as much as I possibly can... even if that means I have to become a tramp and hitchhike and smuggle myself around the world. I think that kind of beauty is utterly priceless and it is for that reason that I'm sick of being here, I think.
I want to run and just keep running. I want to run to somewhere new, to somewhere unknown and to somewhere that is as far away as possible from my "plan". There's nothing I would rather do at this point than just walk out the front door and keep on going; working my way South and then just going from there. Unfortunately society, at least at this point in time, dictates my life and there are various duties that I simply have to do here at home. But believe me, when I'm finally free of this place there'll be no stopping me.
No comments:
Post a Comment